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The Hard Work of Being a Family

By Joseph Langen

There is no such thing as a perfect family.
Behind every door there are issues.
The difference is accepting and encouraging
each family member as they are,
not as we would like them to be.

~Catherine Pulsifer~

 

Are you at peace with everyone in your family? If so, congratulations! Be thankful for your family and for your ability to listen to each other and talk about your differences. No two people are the same. Our values and perceptions are all at least a little different. It is inevitable that from time to time we will see things in a way which conflicts with the views of even those closest to us.

 

If you find yourself in conflict with an acquaintance, it might not trouble you. What that person feels or believes might not matter that much to you and you just go on your way. There are plenty of other people in the world. Disagreeing with a few of them is no big deal. What they think does not affect your daily life. You just let it go unless you are one of those people who think everyone must agree with you.

 

What about conflict with a family member? Did you grow up in a family where your parents were able to listen to each other, digest what they heard and respond lovingly? I have never met a family which approaches conflict in this way one hundred percent of the time, including my own. You might have been lucky enough to have had parents who handled most conflicts this way. If so, you most likely learned good ways to handle conflict most of the time.

 

You might have had parents who weren’t so good at managing conflicts. If you never saw good ways to handle difficulties as you grew up, you might find yourself at a loss for how to manage your own conflicts. There are a few ways to improve your ability to handle conflict. Here are a few suggestions you might want to try.

 

  1. Find out what is important to the other person and why. Learn how he or she feels about the issue and why.
  2. Next, think about what is important to you and make sure you understand your own feelings.
  3. Look for areas of agreement. Share these with each other.
  4. Share what you love and respect about each other.
  5. Make sure you understand the other’s viewpoint.
  6. Agree to hear and respect each other’s opinion even if you don’t agree with it.   
  7. Understanding might lesson the conflict but in the end you might need to accept each other as you both are.

 

Life Lab Lessons

 

 

  • Make sure you understand your own position and feelings about areas of conflict.
  • Get some help understanding yourself if you need it.
  • Do more listening than talking.
  • Try to understand your relative’s position and feelings.
  • Look for ways to support each other regardless of your differences.

 

Chats with Calliope:Sliding Otter News

By Joseph Langen

Sliding Otter News

 

October 23, 2010

 

Volume 2, Issue 23

 

Breast Cancer’s Lessons for the Lives We Live

 

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience
in which you stop to look fear in the face.”

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

 

Five years ago I knew breast cancer only in the abstract. It hadn’t touched my life yet. I wondered how it was that so many women and a few men became hosts to a disease which started eating them up and, left untreated, could kill them. Had it always been this way? If not what has changed? I knew some cancer survivors and heard tales of a woman who died of breast cancer before I had a chance to meet her.

Then my beloved companion joined her mother and two sisters in the family struggle with breast cancer. The discovery immediately took over our relationship, first inviting panic and then survival strategies. Would she recover as did her older sister? Would she succumb to the disease as did her mother and younger sister? What was her prognosis? What should she do? What could I do?

Now, five years later, she has reached an important milestone in her recovery and survival. Each step in her treatment raised questions, challenges and fears. Eventually we tamed our concerns and made the necessary decisions. She endured treatment while I provided what support I could. Our life was different but we survived the ordeal and drew closer together in the process.

Recently I sat in a room full of several hundred breast cancer survivors, some of a few months and some of many years. They came together to raise money for breast cancer treatment and research. They dined and participated in a Chinese auction of gift baskets and a silent auction of bras elaborately decorated by craftswomen whose creations had been exhibited in a celebration of breast cancer awareness. Mostly they celebrated their courage and solidarity.

I wondered again about why people contract breast or any other sort of cancer. Mutated genes have been discovered to make breast cancer more likely. Clusters of cancer sufferers suggest environmental factors. Most likely is a combination of hereditary and environmental contributors.

Fortunately, research advances now make cancer a much less likely death sentence. Genetic testing helps make us aware of our risks. Research promises new, less primitive, treatments more in the near future. We also know more about how lifestyle such as nutrition, fitness and avoiding carcinogens can help keep us from cancer’s grasp.

In these days when we are divided politically, culturally and religiously, it is reassuring to know that we can come together to fight cancer. Think of the pink gloves NFL players wear this month. Perhaps the fight against cancer can serve as a model for better cooperation between people in other areas as well. Thank you Zonta, Pink Hatters, United Memorial Medical Center Healthy Living, Genesee County Senior Center and GO ART!

Life Lab Lessons

  • Learn what you can about what causes cancer.

  • Do what you can to protect yourself and those you love.

  • Watch for signs of cancer and don’t ignore them.

  • Support those you know with cancer.

  • Tell and show them you love them.

Chatrs with Calliope- How We Learn and Why It Matters

By Joseph Langen

s Awareness, world community, world peace) · Edit

Sliding Otter News

 

September 25, 2010

 

Volume 2, Issue 22

 

How We Learn and Why It Matters

 

Columbus Circle Crowd

 Any genuine teaching will result, if successful, in someone’s knowing how to bring about a better condition of things than existed earlier. ~John Dewey

 Recently I read a news story about the pros and cons of separate schools for girls and boys. Girls tend to be more thoughtful. They also learn language skills more quickly. Boys tend to be more active and physical and develop sensory skills more quickly.

Such an approach holds that in separate schools teachers can address their students’ preferred ways of learning. Boys and girls will compete less since they will be learning in ways which are more natural for them. They should also feel better about themselves in a classroom where they can study in their own fashion and might learn more as well.

If students were in school just to learn facts, this approach might be worth considering. But is learning is just about facts? Perhaps more important than what we know at graduation is what we have learned about those different from us and how to understand, communicate and compromise with people we might find odd at first.

Those suggesting the change maintain that boys and girls have different types of brains. Psychologists have debated for decades about whether variations in ways of thinking and acting are based on biology or environment.

Studies by the psychologist Richard Nesbitt found that Japanese mothers talk to their babies mostly in terms of interactions while American and French mothers focus more on nouns. Further studies by Nesbitt and his colleagues found that when asked to look at a picture, American graduate students concentrate on the main subject while East Asian graduate students concentrate more on the background.

The researchers thought that the explanation for this lay in cultural differences. They viewed Americans as more intrigued with independence while Asians are more attuned to the complex social relationships entwined in their way of life.

Groups of people differ from each other in many ways. These differences often make it hard for us to understand each other’s thinking and actions in ordinary circumstances. How much more difficult is it when we start addressing tightly held values? We tend to quickly brand those who differ from us as misinformed, stupid or stubborn.

Scientists were mocked and persecuted when they first suggested that the earth orbited the sun. Modern artists drew scorn when they tried to paint their subjects from several points of view at the same time such as the Cubists did.

Sometimes we get stuck in our routines, plodding along in the same way we always did whether or not we are making progress. Talking only to those who think as we do keeps us from seeing new possibilities. Perhaps those who think differently from us can more easily see solutions to problems which perplex us. If we had the chance to meet them we could benefit from seeing our problems in a new perspective.

Life Lab Lessons

  • Do you talk only with those who agree with you?
  • Do you avoid people with different opinions?
  • On what do you base your opinions?
  • Stretch yourself a little.
  • Try considering other points of view.

Of Sandpiles, Immunity, Resilience and People

By Joseph Langen

Posted 10/2/2010 3:17 PM EDT


You may have a fresh start at any moment you choose, for this thing we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down. ~ Mary Pickford

When I first read Joshua Cooper Ramo’s book, The Age of the Unthinkable, I wondered how it all fit together. It made my head dizzy and took another reading to make some sense of it. He tells how the Danish physicist and biologist Per Bak created a hypothesis that world crises resemble sandpiles. Adding grains of sand eventually causes an avalanche, although just when is impossible to predict.

How can we become immune to disaster? No, this isn’t a reference to the TV show Survivor. Immunity here means protecting ourselves against the  crises which confront humanity from time to time. The human immune system depends on maintaining health through good nutrition, exercise and avoidance of toxins. Social immunity means living in a society where we support rather than take advantage of each other.

Helping others find satisfaction in their lives makes for a more peaceful society. Is it any wonder anger and violence increase as more people struggle for basic survival? As it is impossible to eradicate every health threat, so it is impossible to eliminate all social threats. Resilience is how society protects itself.

Governments tend to settle on one response to threats and stick to it doggedly. This is the opposite of resilience. While such an approach might have worked once, we now live in revolutionary times when society as well as threats to our well being are rapidly evolving.  How do we become resilient in the face of changing threats? Ramo suggest five ways: constantly revamping our thinking about problems, developing a wide range of ways to see the problems and their context, staying in communication with each other, encouraging new responses and making small changes in how we deal with each other rather than awaiting a catastrophe.

Remember the sandpiles? Per Bak originally used it to understand changes in nature. We can also view human society this way. But instead of inert grains of sand, humanity consists of breathing, thinking and feeling individuals interacting with each other for better or worse.

How can we make it easier for all of us to work together rather than undermining and destroying each other? Ramo suggests two simple but not necessarily easy approaches. One is to provide everyone with basic survival rights. The other is to give people the power to control their own destinies. We know we can do this on a personal level. We can also do it on a local community level.

Unfortunately the temptation to grab power and wealth, jelously hoarding them, overcomes not a few of us. Sharing our wealth and caring for each other as we would members of our own families remain challenges. Nevertheless, becoming a world family may be the price of world peace.

Life Lab Lessons

  • Learn what motivates people who bother you the most.
  • Find out what bothers others about you.
  • Discover values you and they have in common.
  • Decide what you are willing to release for the common good.
  • Don’t just think about it. Do something.

Chats with Calliope: What Is Art and What Is It for?

By Joseph Langen

What Is Art and What Is It For?


Sculpture in Gijon, Espana

A man who works with his hands is a laborer;

a man who works with his hands and his mind is a craftsman;

a man who works with his hands and his brain and his heart is an artist.

~ Thomas Aquinas

In 1963 I began the reluctant study of Scholastic Philosophy as set out by Thomas Aquinas. The thirteenth century Dominican monk interpreted what Aristotle had to say on the subject of philosophy and how to understand the world and our experience of it. I still remember how Aquinas defined art, “right reason about something to be made.” That made about as little sense to me as the rest of his writings.

Preparing for this column, I reviewed his writing to see if I had been overly harsh in my judgment of him. In the process I ran across the quote with which I started above. Finally I had discovered a bit of Thomistic thinking which made sense to me.

I have been puzzling on a daily basis over the meaning of art since reading a newspaper column a few weeks ago about “bad art.” Do I believe in such a thing? Do I believe in Santa Claus? The Easter Bunny? Does it matter?

I also recalled a recent conversation with an artist at the GO ART! Orleans County Artist Trail. Admiring his work gave me a sense of joy and peace. I asked if he had considered exhibiting at one of the GO ART! Galleries. He looked a little surprised. After a little discussion, the truth came out. Standing amid his paintings in a tent out in the country, he admitted that he wasn’t sure his art was good enough for a gallery.

So what makes art good enough? When first exposed to art materials, children produce wonderful images of how the world looks to them. As they are taught the “rules” of art, their spontaneity often evaporates and they revert to what we think of as childish art. Critics have standards by which they judge the quality of art. Galleries have standards for what they will display. Patrons like some art, are indifferent to some works and dislike others. Yet critics, galleries and patrons don’t agree among themselves or each other on what art is or what makes it good or bad. Many artists, musicians and writers only found recognition long after they died.

I have started asking artists why they do what they do. Jen Scott said she uses her art to express her emotions in a therapeutic way. Doug Domedian uses his photographs to show people what is out there in nature. There are probably as many motivations for producing art as there are artists. I guess it is up to each of us to decide what art is and whether it is “good” or “bad.”

Life Lab Lessons

  • What do you think art is?
  • What do you like and dislike about art?
  • If you haven’t created any art lately, try it.
  • How does that make you feel?
  • How willing are you to share your ideas about art?

Chats with Calliope- Taking on the Fears which Paralyze Us

By Joseph Langen

 

Great Siege Tunnel- Gibraltar

~Taking a new step, uttering a new word is what people fear most~ Benjamin Disraeli

Standing on Luna Island, I watched people marvel at nature’s grandeur and power. Some pondered the thousands of gallons of water racing over Niagara Falls each second. Some photographed each other from every possible angle, making sure they included views of the falls in each photo. Most huddled in groups to share their observations of the spectacle.

One exception was a family I had noticed earlier in the day enjoying Niagara Park. The father, daughter and son all stood together by the rail watching the water cascade over the edge from rapids to falls. The mother stood back about twenty feet by herself. No amount of coaxing drew her nearer the rail. Her daughter went to her in an attempt to draw her closer. The mother protested that there was too much mist by the railing. I stood by the rail a few moments earlier and felt a little mist but was not soaked by any means. I wondered whether the mother was afraid to get closer to the falls and was afraid to say so.

Our fears often prevent us from doing what we might enjoy and even what we need to do. We imagine the worst and remain trapped in our fear. Some thinkers point out that fear keeps us from acting rashly and keeps our actions in balance. Others decry our fear which keeps us from discovering new truths about ourselves and our world. I think of all the explorers before Columbus who feared they would sail off the edge of the earth if they ventured beyond the horizon.

What can we do about our fears? The first step is to know what they are. We can’t do much about them if we don’t admit they are part of us. The second step is to seek understanding of what troubles us. Where would our lives be if we stay paralyzed by the phrase, “What if…”

Knowledge and understanding help us overcome our fears and break the bonds which keep us from reaching our potential. We become like children who eventually look under the bed or in the closet to find no monsters lurking there.

But we are not done yet. Knowing logically that there is nothing to fear, we still don’t know what will happen when we take a calculated risk and move beyond our fears.  We don’t have to jump in immediately with both feet but can approach a new situation with baby steps if we want to. Some people prefer to take the plunge immediately upon entering a pool, lake or ocean and others start by splashing in the water and gradually becoming accustomed to it. What’s your choice?

Life Lab Lessons

  • What are your main fears?
  • What do they keep you from doing?
  • Do you know where and when you acquired these fears?
  • What can you do to overcome them?
  • What will your life be like when you do?

What Animals Teach Us About our Lives

By Joseph Langen

 

Barbary Apes

~Lots of people talk to animals…Not very many listen, though…That’s the problem~

Benjamin Huff, The Tao of Pooh

Recently, as Carol and I drove home at dusk, we scanned the meadows along the highway where deer usually graze. None in sight, As we neared home, we swerved to avoid a faun lying in a pool of blood. struggling to arise on its two front legs which still worked. The scene left us feeling shocked and helpless. Not at all what we expected. We could only imagine what the faun was feeling.

Earlier that day we had watched Marley and Me, a movie ending with the death of a beloved family dog and felt the emotions the family experienced in letting go of their pet. Sometimes we ignore animals and take them for granted. Sometimes animals fascinate us. Sometimes they become part of our lives and we wind up loving them.

If we look closely, we can find in animals the traits we abhor in each other.  We can also find traits which endear us to each other. Killer whales toss panicked seals into the air before eating them. Chimps groom and embrace each other fondly. Many species display the tenderness and fierce protective behavior we admire in human mothers.

Animals seem to experience pure joy. Watch sea otters slide down slippery rocks into the sea.  See rabbits chase each other around a field. Listen to birds greeting each new day. We tell ourselves that all of these animal reactions are purely instinctual. But who knows? They probably wonder what we are all about as well.

Even though we muse about how well animals understand what we say, we certainly seem to communicate with them on an emotional level. Animals can arouse our interest, curiosity, affection, concern, fear and anger. We seem to draw the same emotions from a variety of animals as well. When a puppy or kitten cuddles up with us, it is hard to know whether the animal or human feels more cozy.

While we see many parallels between human and animal lives, what can we learn from them? On the whole animals seem to be better at staying focused on what is imp0rtant. They do what is necessary for survival, their own and that of their offspring.

They eat what is healthy for them when at all possible. They don’t succumb to addictions, They don’t worry about who has more or better possessions or look down on less fortunate or merely different creatures. They don’t hold grudges, I am not suggesting that animals are any better than we are. I just think we can learn from the simplicity of their lives in contrast to the complexity with which we often surround ourselves.

Live Lab Lessons

  • Do you know what is truly important in your life?
  • Do Your daily choices reflect your values?
  • Do you put the essentials first?
  • Do you complicate your life with toys and gadgets?
  • Could you benefit from watching how animals live?

 

What Animals Teach Us About our Lives

By Joseph Langen

 

Barbary Apes

~Lots of people talk to animals…Not very many listen, though…That’s the problem~

Benjamin Huff, The Tao of Pooh

Recently, as Carol and I drove home at dusk, we scanned the meadows along the highway where deer usually graze. None in sight, As we neared home, we swerved to avoid a faun lying in a pool of blood. struggling to arise on its two front legs which still worked. The scene left us feeling shocked and helpless. Not at all what we expected. We could only imagine what the faun was feeling.

Earlier that day we had watched Marley and Me, a movie ending with the death of a beloved family dog and felt the emotions the family experienced in letting go of their pet. Sometimes we ignore animals and take them for granted. Sometimes animals fascinate us. Sometimes they become part of our lives and we wind up loving them.

If we look closely, we can find in animals the traits we abhor in each other.  We can also find traits which endear us to teach other. Killer whales toss panicked seals into the air before eating them. Chimps groom and embrace each other fondly. Many species display the tenderness and fierce protective behavior we admire in human mothers.

Animals seem to experience pure joy. Watch sea otters slide down slippery rocks into the sea.  See rabbits chase each other around a field. Listen to birds greeting each new day. We tell ourselves that all of these animal reactions are purely instinctual. But who knows? They probably wonder what we are all about as well.

Even though we muse about how well animals understand what we say, we certainly seem to communicate with them on an emotional level. Animals can arouse our interest, curiosity, affection, concern, fear and anger. We seem to draw the same emotions from a variety of animals as well. When a puppy or kitten cuddles up with us, it is hard to know whether the animal or human feels more cozy.

While we see many parallels between human and animal lives, what can we learn from them? On the whole animals seem to be better at staying focused on what is imp0rtant. They do what is necessary for survival, their own and that of their offspring.

They eat what is healthy for them when at all possible. They don’t succumb to addictions, They don’t worry about who has more or better possessions or look down on less fortunate or merely different creatures. They don’t hold grudges, I am not suggesting that animals are any better than we are. I just think we can learn from the simplicity of their lives in contrast to the complexity with which we often surround ourselves.

Live Lab Lessons

  • Do you know what is truly important in your life?
  • Do Your daily choices reflect your values?
  • Do you put the essentials first?
  • Do you complicate your life with toys and gadgets?
  • Could you benefit from watching how animals live?

 

Sliding Otter News- From Stranger to Acqauintance ot Friend

By Joseph Langen

 

~The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing—not healing, not caring…that is a friend who cares~ Henri Nouwen

Recently my girlfriend and I set out to wander around Orleans County for a day. Our main destination was Leonard Oakes Winery near Medina. Dave Lindsay who hosted our wine tasting shared his passion for wine as well as his knowledge. He helped us move along the path from casual sippers to wine enthusiasts.

Sitting on a park bench near the new Oak Orchard Lighthouse we met another man who shared with us his delight in the peace and tranquility of Oak Orchard Creek and Lake Ontario. As we explored a nearby community, we stumbled upon a cottage for sale. A third man, Larry, stopped to tell us about his brother’s cottage. We found we shared a social connection with him and heard the story of his teen experiences.

All three men were strangers to us before we set out in the morning. I wonder what makes a stranger become an acquaintance and what turns an acquaintance into a friend. The Internet failed to enlighten me about these transitions.

Sometimes people pass in and out of our lives without lasting impact, remaining strangers to us. Sometimes we learn an acquaintance’s name and satisfy ourselves with passing nods or comments on the weather. Some of our acquaintances become  part of our our lives, sharing our good and bad times and our challenges as friends.

People we once thought were friends can change so much that when we meet them later they seem like strangers again. Friends can also be so in tune with us that we meet them after years and take up where we left off as if we had seen them just yesterday.

Friends understand our feelings without elaborate explanation. They accept our achievements and shortcomings without judging us. They know what we need and are there for us when we need them. They share our laughter and our tears. They make us feel comfortable around them no matter what. Whether or not we use the word, they love us and we love them unconditionally.

Our friendships let us grow and learn about ourselves and about how we deal with others. Friends can show us good and bad parts of us to which we would otherwise be blind. They also let us help them live their lives. Friends are the greatest treasures we have in life.

Life Lab Lessons

  • What do you appreciate most about your friends?
  • What do they appreciate most about you?
  • What do you need from your friends?
  • What do they need from you?
  • When was the last time you talked with your friends about four friendship?

 

Chats with Calliope- Meeting People

By Joseph Langen


Meeting People

JOE: Good morning Calliope.
CALLIOPE: Good morning Joe. I haven’t heard from you for a while. What have you been up to?
JOE: For one thing I am back to work on my novel, Marital Property.
CALLIOPE: Have you been working on it over the weekend?
JOE: I had to set it aside. I have a column due next Saturday.
CALLIOPE: About what?
JOE: That was exactly the issue. I usually have several ideas in mind but none occurred to me this week.
CALLIOPE: What did you do?
JOE: I trusted that an inspiration would arise?
CALLIOPE: And did it?
JOE: Just in the nick of time. I was wandering around Orleans County with my girlfriend Carol on Saturday. I woke up Sunday morning with a plan to write about strangers, acquaintances and friends based on people we met on our drive.
CALLIOPE: Did you pursue it?
JOE: I did. By the end of yesterday I had a draft written.
CALLIOPE: Congratulations.
JOE: I’ll share it with you next weekend.

Sliding Otter News- Listening to Each Others' Stories

By Joseph Langen

 

Broadway Street Sculpture

~People are hungry for stories.  It’s part of our very being. Storytelling is a form of history, of immortality too. It goes from one generation to another~ Studs Terkel

Recently I tended a table at the Batavia Ramble, a local music festival. My job was to encourage people to add their two cents worth to a story began by Joanne Beck. Easy enough, I thought. For quite a while no one was willing to write a single word. I added a line and then a few others continued with their own. Even with the pump primed, very few risked adding their input.

We all have a story to tell.  From early childhood we heard tales of relatives we would never meet and others we knew well. We also heard stories of our childhood doings we might prefer to forget.

In social conversion, we seldom spout facts. Instead, we take turns telling the stories of our experience or stories we have heard from and about others. Sometimes it is all we can do to wait our turn until others finish their stories or reach the point where we can insert our own. We are disappointed when the conversation takes a hopeless turn and it becomes clear that our story will just not fit the conversation. But then we find an opportunity to share our story and we feel better, knowing we have finally been heard.

Each of us has a collection of stories which define us and lets others know what we cherish, what we enjoy and how we view life.  My favorite story is one my father told me about Joseph Stickystickystambo nosorambo hadybodybosco ickynonnynoonynony conironitando. Ask me sometime and I’ll share it with you.

Our relationships tend to break down when we become so intent on conveying our story that we forget to listen to someone else’s story. Their story is just as important to them as ours is to us. Stories are not just important to individuals. Whole cultures and civilizations make sense when we encounter the fabric of their stories woven over many generations.

We trace the story of our culture through the Last of the Mohicans, The Scarlet Letter, Tom Sawyer, Gone with the Wind, The Old Man and the Sea, The Enemy Below, Hawaii and many others which tell us and those we encounter who we are as a society.

So why was it so hard to get people to write at the Ramble? Perhaps it is because we want to tell our own stories rather than be part of someone else’s story. Of course, all of us serve as characters in the life stories of those we meet. Maybe we just need to remember that we are minor characters in others’ stories as well as the main character in our own story.

Life Lab Lessons

  • If you want to know people, listen to their story.
  • Hear them  out without interrupting.
  • If you don’t understand their story, ask for help.
  • Find common bonds in your stories.
  • Seek friendship in our common bonds.

Chats with Calliope- An Artistic Week

By Joseph Langen


Fraterrigo Family- Batavia Ramble

JOE: Good morning Calliope.
CALLIOPE: Good morning Joe, You must be busy lately.
JOE: You guessed right. I feel like I have been on the run for the past week.
CALLIOPE: Tell me about it.
JOE: I told you about our upcoming activities. They all happened this week. First was the Ramble last Saturday with two stages of music going all day long. I tried to get people to add to our story “Ramble On..”  started by Joanne Beck, one of the reporters at the Daily News. Not too many people are interested in writing these days.
CALLIOPE: What else.
JOE: On Sunday, GO ART! held its Picnic in the Park. I was in charge of the Explore Art tent, introducing children to creative art efforts. That went better than the writing.
CALLIOPE: Is there more?
JOE: Indeed. On Thursday, I helped the Genesee Veterans Support Network award the prize for a Logo Contest which has been underway since May.
CALLIOPE: And now?
JOE: A little time to relax this weekend.
CALLIOPE: Sounds like you earned it.
JOE: I think so.  Later.

My Very Own Mr. Bojangles

By Joseph Langen

 

Orange Butterfly

~I know a man Bojangles and he’d dance for you
In worn out shoes
With silver hair, a ragged shirt and baggy pants
The old soft shoe~

Mr Bojangles- Jerry Jeff Walker

I didn’t know John was a dancer. As we approached Radio City Music Hall, we talked about how nice it would be to see the Rockettes perform.  Neither of us had more than subway fare in our pockets. He told me he used to dance with some of the performers at Radio City. I thought he was pulling my leg. He knocked on the stage door and within minutes we were watching the Christmas Show from backstage. One of the performers handed me a camel’s reins as he led it offstage.

That was the most dramatic moment I recall from our years of friendship. Mostly I remember the twinkle in his eye and gentle laugh which buoyed me up in my darkest moments. We helped each other keep afloat in life and managed to avoid the undertow at least for while.

After circumstances ripped us from each other, I had few chances to spend time with him. We were both in the throes of adjusting to lives neither of us had planned. The last time I met him he sat before the fireplace in his apartment, feeding into the flames pages of the book he had recently finished writing. I worried about him.

The next time I tried to contact him, he was nowhere in sight and I could not locate him for many years. Finally I tracked him down through his sister-in-law. I found him in a single room occupancy hotel where he had to be called to the phone. It was John and it wasn’t.  I could feel the embers of his old self but his thinking and sense of humor were like Tinkerbell’s light, just barely glowing. I knew depression had gripped him at times, but now he was almost gone.

I did not have the opportunity to visit him after that. Or maybe I was afraid to. I wrestled with myself for several years about it. Recently I made arrangements to attend a wedding very close to where he grew up.

Renewing my search for him, this time I located his sister. She told me about the years when he struggled with schizophrenia, which did not surprise me. Finally he found good care, peace of mind and a loving relationship. Unfortunately cancer found him and he died several months prior to my call to his sister. I was happy that she was there for him right up to the end and that he had a taste of what life could be.  “Mr. Bojangles, Mr. Bojangles, Mr. Bojangles, dance.”

Life Lab Lessons

  • Don’t take your friends’ support for granted.
  • Graciously accept what they have to offer you.
  • Realize that sometimes their struggles consume them.
  • Offer them what you can of yourself.
  • Cherish the time you have with friends while you can.

 

Chats with Calliope- Artistic Doings in Batavia

By Joseph Langen

Jackson Square Audience

JOE: Good morning Calliope.
CALLIOPE: Good morning Joe. What’s happening on the arts front.
JOE: I can’t speak for the rest of the world, but I have been busy here at GO ART!
CALLIOPE: Tell me more.
JOE: Among other projects, I just finished a window display at the Chamber of Commerce for our upcoming Picnic in the Park on July 4.
CALLIOPE: Anything else.
JOE:  We are in phase two of the Genesee Veterans Support Network (GVSN) Logo Contest. As you may recall GO ART!, The Mental Health Association in Genesee County and the GVSN are conducting a contest to develop a logo for GVSN promotional materials.
CALLIOPE: How is it going.
JOE: The submission deadline was June 11. We got a number of submissions which will be on display at the visit of the Vietnam Veterans Moving Wall at the Batavia VA Medical Center this weekend. We are asking viewers to vote for their favorite.
CALLIOPE: Sounds ambitious.
JOE: We also have two musical events coming up.  One is Jamble, an event this Saturday at TF Brown in Batavia, a fundraiser for the Mental Health Association. The other is an all day Ramble, a free day of local musicians in downtown Batavia on July 3. Hope to see you at some of these.

Chats With Calliope- Accepting the Healing Gift of Art

By Joseph Langen

 

Jazz Street- Rochester, NY- 2010

~There are painters who transform the sun into a yellow spot, but there are others
who, thanks to their art and intelligence, transform a yellow spot into the sun~

Pablo Picasso

The ramp attendant smiled and wished us a good evening. A food vendor shared how delighted she was to be part of the festival. A policeman chatted with us while we waited at the crosswalk. Each encounter drew me further from my day’s reflection on terrorists, environmental disaster and political logjams. Maybe there is still hope.

For the second time in a week, artistic joy overcame me and drew me from the doldrums of life on our planet. First came the dedication of Seymour Place as the revival of the former Bank of Genesee and Batavia Club, now the home of GO ART! The Genesee-Orleans Regional Arts Council. Patrons and lovers of art in Western New York gathered to thank Dick and Kathy Seymour for their contributions to the local arts community and Linda Blanchet for her years of leadership.

Next came opening night of the 2010 Rochester International Jazz Festival. Jazz performers from around the world gathered with avid jazz lovers as well as those tasting jazz for the first time. Both occasions reminded me of the power of art to bring us together as a human family. The realization gave me a great deal of comfort.

When times are tough, many of us tend to seek isolation with our feelings of anger, sadness, disappointment and loneliness. We retreat into ourselves and become stuck in our own mire. Some of us remain trapped although some us escape. One way out is through the arts. In art we see reflections our our lives, portrayals of our moods and sometimes possibilities which never before occurred to us.

Science and technology are often touted as essential to our educational system. Language is important so we can communicate about technology. Art seems like a nicety but not so important in the grand scheme of things. But wait a minute. Science and technology provide us with the tools of civilization. Language gives us ways to communicate with each other. And the arts? They provide ways to express, understand and share with each other what is important to us, how we feel and what we dream for ourselves and the world.

Edvard Munch showed us Nature’s despair in his painting, originally titled the The Scream of Nature. Friedrich Schiller’s Ode to Joy incorporated into Ludwig Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony expressed our collective joy. John Lennon’s song, Imagine, quietly suggested what life might be for us at its best. Thank God for the arts.

Life Lab Lessons

  • Ponder Edvard Munch’s painting, The Scream.
  • Listen to Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, especially The Ode to Joy, in live concert. If possible.
  • Find a quiet time to listen to and resonate with John Lennon’s Imagine.
  • Look for artistic expression of what means the most to you.
  • Share with those you care about the art which brings you joy.

Chats with Calliope- Releasing My Friend John

By Joseph Langen

Immaculate Conception Garden

JOE: Good morning Calliope.
CALLIOPE: Good morning Joe. I haven’t heard from you in a while.
JOE: My apologies. I guess I am still adjusting to my new busy life.
CALLIOPE: What’s going on?
JOE: I won’t bore you with the details. However one major event took place.
CALLIOPE: Tell me.
JOE: I am planning a trip to Long Island next month. An old friend there has wrestled with mental illness for years and I was wondering if there was anything I could do for him. In tracking him down, I found that he died in February.
CALLIOPE: Sorry to hear it. How did you learn of his death?
JOE: Through an online obituary. Then I found his sister and had a wonderful talk with her last night.
CALLIOPE: How did that help?
JOE: I learned that my friend had some good time in the last couple years, fell in love and then died peacefully after a struggle with cancer. His sister has been there to help him through the rough times. I will be forever grateful to her for that. Bow it’s time to let him go.

Chats with Calliope- Sliding Otter News

By Joseph Langen

The Gentle Art of Forgiveness

~To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you~

Lewis B Smedes

The goal of forgiveness may be considered from the point of view of the offender, the offended or the relationship between the two. The offender may be relieved of the offended’s wish for retribution. The offended may let go of a wish to retaliate. Ways may be sought to normalize the relationship between the two, which forms one aspect of restorative justice.

Do you wonder just what forgiveness means? I did. The best definition I could find was one put forward by the American Psychological Association, “Forgiveness is a process (or the result of a process) that involves a change in emotion and attitude regarding an offender, resulting in decreased motivation to retaliate or maintain estrangement from an offender despite their action and requires letting go of negative emotions toward the offender.”

The definition seems clear to me but difficult to accomplish. The great majority of us react to being wronged with feelings of anger, blame and a wish for the offender to be punished. Eventually many of us let go of these feelings although others allow themselves to be consumed by them indefinitely. Our anger might continue long after any legal process on our behalf is completed. In this case it is we who suffer rather than the person who harmed us initially. We become prisoners of our own feelings.

While forgiveness may involve a more normalized relationship between offender and offended, it does not require condoning what was done, excusing it, pardoning it or trying to forget about what happened. While forgiveness releases us to go on with our lives, the rest of these actions place us at greater risk of being taken advantage of again.

So why should we forgive those who have offended us? What do we have to gain? Positive changes in our feelings lead to our healing by releasing us of the stress of being burdened by negative emotions. Improved physical and mental health usually follow after releasing ourselves from the chains of a quest for revenge. A sense of control in our lives often returns when we no longer dwell on our misfortune.

If we choose the forgiveness option, what of the offender being held accountable? We live in a society where most offenses have legal sanctions. Even primitive civilizations have societal ways to deal with transgressions.

What if we are harmed in ways for which no legal redress exists? One approach is to be sure the offenders know how we feel about what they did. In discussing what happened we might find the offender meant us no harm and that we bear a grudge for no good reason. We might also find that the offender will take responsibility for his or her actions.

Life Lab Lessons

  • Recognize when you feel offended and why
  • Realize that the choice of how long to dwell on the offense is yours.
  • Do what you can to right the wrong and then let it go.
  • Find ways to protect yourself from further harm.
  • If you can’t let it go, write about it and store what you wrote.

Chats with Calliope- The Phoenix Arises

By Joseph Langen

 

GO ART!, Seymour Place

JOE: Good morning Calliope.
CALLIOPE: Good morning Joe. What have you been up to?
JOE: Busy, busy, busy. Along with smaller projects. GO ART! is getting ready for the grand reopening of our building next Friday.
CALLIOPE: How grand is it?
JOE: The building was built for the Bank of Genesee in the early 1830′s to finance the Holland Land Purchase which I studied in grammar school. Later the Batavia Club bought it and used it for many years. A few years ago they donated it to GO ART!. We recently completed renovation of the historic building and are planting flowers in final preparation to formally share it with the public next week.
CALLIOPE: Sounds exciting.
JOE: It is for us. I rummaged around in the basement and found original dirt floors from the 1830′s, several artifacts from over the years and old programs from events we sponsored.
CALLIOPE: Anything mysterious?
JOE: Yes. the most mysterious finding is an old safe on rollers. No one has been able to open it despite various efforts. We don’t know how far back it dates or what it might contain.
CALLIOPE: It’s fun to speculate sometimes.
JOE: We think so. Talk to you again.

 

Ready for Summer

By Joseph Langen

Tom Rivers- Farm Hands

JOE: Good morning Calliope.
CALLIOPE: Good morning Joe. Tell me what you have been up t0o lately.JOE: This week I worked on three projects for GO ART!.
CALLIOPE: Tell me more.
JOE: Tom Rivers is coming to speak On Wednesday.
CALLIOPE: Details please.
JOE: Tom is a reporter at the Daily News who wrote a series on farm labor in Genesee and Orleans Counties. Then he compiled his series into a book, Farm Hands, which he is discussing on Wednesday.
CALLIOPE: How were you involved?
JOE: Mostly in the arrangements and publicity. I will also be on hand for the presentation.
CALLIOPE: Sounds interesting. What else is going on.
JOE: I’ll fill you in on the other projects next time we meet.

Sliding Otter News- 5/22/10

By Joseph Langen

 

 

Joe and Pete as Dinosaurs

~Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic to living our life with integrity~

W. Clement Stone

These days a variety of media bombard us with what we should buy, how we should act, what we should think and what we should believe. Our homogenized news is quite similar from one news outlet to the next with relatively few differing viewpoints represented.

Thinking for ourselves seems almost superfluous. All we have to do is follow the crowd and moo once in a while as all good herd members do. Several years ago on a trip to London I passed the famed Speaker’s Corner in Hyde Park. Here there is never a lack of viewpoints to consider. Maybe we should establish such corners in every community.

Politics, fashion, entertainment and religion group us into herds following one trend or another. We become more comfortable interacting with others once we know where they stand in these categories. I remember college gatherings when I talked until the wee hours with my colleagues. Most of us strove to hone our beliefs so we could finally decide who we were and what we stood for. Everyone sought ways to make better sense of life and what possibilities awaited us. While it can feel reassuring to follow the crowd, it also diminishes who we are as individuals and what we uniquely contribute to society.

Affirming our beliefs and life standards can at times make us unpopular with others, sometimes with people we want to accept us. So can refusing to compromise on what is most important to us. At such times we face the painful choice between acceptance by others and our integrity. Sometimes being true to ourselves means disappointing others. Such choices are never easy.

How can we maintain our integrity without further fracturing our relationships? First we must know and articulate the values we hold dear to ourselves and to those whom we care about. Next we must understand what is important to those with whom we associate. If our values match those of others, the rest is easy. If not, our challenge is to enjoy our areas of agreement and learn to respect each other’s differences.

Maintaining our sense of perspective is also important. As entrenched as we might become in our personal beliefs, we should remember that as long as we live, we have more to learn each day. While remaining true to our values, we should always remain open to reconsidering and adjusting how we apply our principles based on what we learn from our experiences.

Life Lab Lessons

  • State out loud or write down what is important to you.
  • How hard is it to share your values with others?
  • Take the same care in understanding others’ values.
  • Realize that your way may not be the only right one.
  • Share the respect you would like from others.

 

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